I never thought I’d know how it feels.
It still feels like it can’t be real.
There’s no way he could be gone. I just don’t understand.
He’s always been there. He’s never let me down. But he isn’t here. He’s no where to be found.
I wish he was here to see my next daughter born. But mostly just to hold my mother’s hand.
I never knew how much it would hurt. Before, I’d hear of friend’s losses and care, but not understand. We never expect it to happen to us. Our dads are fearless and strong, we can’t picture them vulnerable and sick. But now I know their bodies fail. And life without them can never be the same.
Today I attended the first funeral since my dad’s. It was difficult and I thought about his most the time. My grandfather’s brother passed away at the age of 92, leaving behind a beautiful posterity of dozens of grandchildren and great grandchildren that loved him immensely. Comparing his death to my father’s was surprising to me. I often feel annoyed and angry that my dad had to die at the young age of 53, when so many children get to enjoy their parents for so much longer. But today I realized, while listening and seeing each of this great man’s children tell of their memories and love, that age does not change the grief.
He had nearly 40 years longer on this earth, a lifetime to many. But, the impact of his loss was the same on those he loved. I watched as his widow, my sweet great Aunt Edith, walked behind his casket. Her grief was as great as my mother’s, even though she was able to enjoy much more earthly time with him. A lifetime is never enough; our souls always seek for more. I believe that the eternal nature of our spirit is constantly reaching for life and love outside of this world. Maybe that’s why these losses hurt so much.
Our bodies ache for our loved ones and the memories we can no longer create on earth, while our souls are holding on to all the time we had with them and will have again. They know something more. Because of the beautiful things the gospel has taught me, I fully believe that I will see my father again. We will walk hand in hand and never have to say goodbye. He will be in my spirit’s life eternally.
Although I am often jealous when I see families enjoying their fathers for far longer than I was able to, or seeing couples growing old together while my mother adjusts to life as a widow, I know that it is temporary. A spirit’s life is eternal and if we live a life of love, we can live forever. This knowledge is priceless to me; it brings me so much comfort. I can’t imagine not knowing that families can be together forever.
For now our hearts and bodies hurt as we miss our father, friend and love~ but someday soon we will be with him again.