When Vivi was only 3 weeks old, she got to meet her half-sister Ella! Ella’s family came to visit us and stayed with my parent’s for a few times and we had a great time with them. Ella adored her little sister and kept asking to hold her and saying how cute she was.
I loved seeing them together and although I was quite sleep deprived the whole time, I am very grateful for the time I did get to spend with Ella. She is a such a sweet little 5 year old. We got to play Barbie's together and make bracelets.
We spent one of the days at the Provo Beach Resort together and the kids had a great time. That place has tons of fun stuff to do and Ella loved it. The carousel was so cute and Ella’s little sister Mimi was adorable on it; huge smiles all around.
I can’t believe these two sweet girls came from my body, it is truly amazing! Twice now I have become pregnant; one worked for and one feared. But whether or not a pregnancy is planned, I think it is almost always desired; sometimes the timing is just not right. Women desire love, relationship and purpose and being a mother can give us all of that. Women love to be in love and having a child or expecting one is a sure way to fall in love. With each of my pregnancies, I fell in love with my baby long before I heard their heartbeats or saw their faces. The moment I knew there was a life inside of me I loved that precious tiny spirit. I loved what it was, what it would grow to be and who it had and would transform me into.
Being a mother of any type absolutely does transform you; there is no avoiding or denying that. Women of all situations and choices are emotionally altered, for the positive or negative. The moment I knew I was pregnant and going to place Ella for adoption 6 years ago, I was changed forever. From that point on, everything I did was for her. In my mind I had no choice but to be responsible and loving. I did all I could to fall deep in love with the life inside of me and cherished every moment I had with her, since I knew this would be the only time that she was mine. I immediately changed my life for the better and gave her what I knew to be the best, at the cost of so much sacrifice and heartache for me. After placement with her new family, I constantly tried to live a life that she could be proud of and become a birth mother worth loving. That struggle and journey never ends.
When I found out I was pregnant with Vivienne after months of hoping and planning for her, I was elated but cautious to become attached to her and the pregnancy. After giving up my chance to be a mother once before, I worried that my one true desire would somehow be taken away from me again. I knew that the heartache of losing this baby would be too much to bear, and so I avoided the intense motherly tendencies to love the life inside of me until I knew for sure that she would be okay. It would be easier that way, I thought. I lived in fear during those mine months, but my fear couldn't stop me from bonding with my unborn baby and once Vivi was safely delivered and healthy, I fell deeper in love.
Memories of the first moments in the hospital with each of my girls are my most prized possessions. Their precious, perfect little bodies came from me, their mother! It is such an overwhelming, emotional and amazing experience to create a life.
But now that I know what being a full time mother truly consists of after these first 8 weeks of Vivi's life, I know that giving birth isn't all that makes you a mother; there is so much more. Being a mother is a constant, lifelong calling and I now know that the work and joy truly never ends. That is overwhelming at times for me to think of, but it also makes me excited for all that is to come. My baby girl is mine forever and though there will be ups and downs, we can be together through it all. These weeks have also given me so much perspective on my choice to place Ella for adoption.
I know now more than ever that I wasn't ready to give Ella all that she deserved in a mother. At that time I didn't have the knowledge or the patience and experience. I don't think you can ever be wholly prepared for motherhood, but I know that Ella's adoptive mom was the best mother for her. I know and I've always known that Ella's mother is her true mother and not just her adoptive mother; simply because of the love and service she offers every day and night. That knowledge used to hurt me so bad; to know that I wasn't and never would be Ella's mom. Now it gives me peace. She had the love of a mother that she deserved and she will always have that love.
With Birth Mother's Day and Mother's Day approaching this weekend, my husband asked me how I wanted to celebrate. To be honest, I haven't even had the time to think about it because I've been so busy being a mother to my sweet baby Vivi! I do appreciate the holidays, because I want the mothers in my life to know how grateful I am for them and I want all birth moms to be remembered. So this year I think I will celebrate by thanking the mothers in my life for their undying love and cherishing the precious moments I've had and continue to have with my sweet girls.